Up a little late.

Yesterday was am amazing day. I went to the Green Festival in San Francisco with my good friends Meredith and Steve. We drove in their bio-diesel VW bug (so that was pretty green).
They had the good sense to get us there early, as it became incredibly packed by afternoon. It was a very happy crowd, what with the recent elections and all. But it was a very big happy crowd. It became difficult to get around, as the aisles were so crowded. All the lines for food and the bathrooms were super long. It was extremely noisy too. But very green! It was still an uplifting experience.

That morning I had gotten up early and did some EFT and gratitude work. I'm hoping to 'get in the habit' of feeling grateful by deliberately focusing on it every day. And yesterday it really worked! I wandered into an absolutely ecstatic state. I was practically laughing out loud and whooping for joy after a while. Everyone else was still asleep so I whooped very quietly.
This is not my usual state of mind and it kept me buzzing all day.

Alas, I did not replicate the experience this morning. My nervous system got seriously french fried at the festival and on the chaotic drive back through the saturday night streets of San Francisco. So I slept in, got up late with the rest of my family and danced around everyone else's needs and lost my momentum. That's okay. This is a long term project.

I feel that I've already cleared out a huge space in my psyche, by doing the EFT work on old memories and emotions. Old junk from school, issues with my folks. Old guilt or shame over things I'd done years ago. I'll be setting to work on one issue and a quiet little memory will sort of pop up in the corner, patiently waiting in queue.

It isn't especially traumatic working on these things. It isn't a question of re-living the feelings, thank god. It's more a matter of just remembering them and grasping the significance of the long buried emotions.

All of this work has left me with a curiously empty feeling. Not empty in the negative sense of being meaningless or hollow or destitute. It's just that any sense of being driven, by subtle anxieties or other unexamined inner pressures has mostly faded away, leaving me standing, blinking, and wondering what I want to be doing.

I get to decide!

The process of sitting down and deciding what I want to do and who I want to be is weird. It's not the sort of thing most of us do very often. I have done it several times over the past twenty years, usually after reading some inspiring new age self help book. And some of what I sought to put in place actually manifested.

But with this new feeling of "emptiness", this increasing freedom from old emotions, and the return of all the energy it was taking to contain them, it's really really different. It has new significance.
I still have plenty of limiting, self-sabotaging thoughts to clear out, but the affirmations I'm starting to plant have a pretty good chance of sprouting in this newly composted psychic soil. I have very little doubt they will bear fruit. And when I find those little doubts, I'm tapping them away.

Cheers,
rob